How to be unclutched as a couple? You will be able to be a couple without friction only if you are first able to unclutch yourself. Body and mind are just like husband and wife. If you know how to clutch and unclutch your body and mind without creating friction and within yourself, you will know how to clutch and unclutch with your spouse.
What the mind wants is different from what the body wants. What a man wants from a relationship is different from what a woman wants. The man has to decide to become a woman to be in a relationship. Likewise, a woman has to decide to be a man to be in a relationship. The woman should understand she should become a man and give what a man wants; Man should understand he should become a woman and share what a woman wants. The Mind should understand to become the body and stand by the body as it wants. The Body should understand the mind and stand by the mind as it wants.
Lets use the term “Samsar is Samsar”. It is the greatest Samsar when you understand how to be in the other’s space. All great things are achieved by effort. You need to spend time and energy to understand. Understanding is the shortest route. For a good relationship, you need to input some work. You need to be sensitive about the whole thing. A Relationship is not a business. It is not a bargain. It is an art where you need to spend time, energy, intelligence, and creativity!
Relationships do have many benefits. If you are interested in a relationship, you will have to work for it. Working with the relationship itself is a sadhana (spiritual practice).
Learn to be unclutched so that you can be intensely, lovingly, and deeply clutched without friction. The extraordinary joy of sharing love can become a lifestyle for couples when you just know how to unclutch and know where to set the boundaries – Where the other person needs you and where you need yourself. The whole fight is always within.
Your need to be yourself and the other person’s need for yourself actually never clashes, but you create it in your imagination saying it clashes. Then saying “No” to the other person becomes an important identity for you! You start building your identity whenever you say “No” to the other person or when you torture the other person. Thousands of marriages break everyday just because of this misunderstanding – believing that saying “No” to the other person is saying “Yes” to yourself. When you say “No” to the other in ignorance, you are actually saying “No” to yourself. Because you don’t really look in and ask: ‘Am I really saying Yes for me or am I just saying “No” for the sake of saying “No” to the other person?’ If you look in, you will realize that the “Yes” to the other person and the “Yes” in you never clash with each other. You need to know, understand and remember this basic truth. Saying “No” the other person is not always saying “Yes” to you and saying “Yes” to you is not always saying “No” to the other person.
Even if you have made the decision of marriage out of ignorance, don’t continue to live in ignorance. Ignorance can be destroyed. That is the greatness of ignorance.
Taken from Nithyananda’s Discourse on the Patanjali Yoga Sutras in March, 2009 in Vancouver, Canada